Friday Funnies

[up148]

Yep!

[up148]

OMG

[E7]

Ever heard the phrase "sitting on a gold mine" ?

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Fascinating. I would not have guessed you to be a fan of hentai

[up148]

Depends on what catches my eye. But, this form of art is very interesting to say the least. Never cull it out without a good reason.

BH

[up148]

A little late, but better late than never!

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Why We Love our children and (grand children)
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom.
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown.
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

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The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?”
Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.” The pastor is still laughing.

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BH

[up148]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside of Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

The stranger responds, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress and they are asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!

“We are going car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

[up148]

Test!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

"Give it to me! I'm so F'ing wet! Give it to me now!!!", she screamed.

She could scream all she wanted......










.................but I'm keeping the umbrella.

[HONDO74]

Three missionary women are at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter tells them they have lived a chaste life and were wonderful spreading the gospel. As an extra reward they will go back on earth and can live the wild lifestyle of any women they want for one year when they will come back and enter heaven. The first missionary says "I would like Madonna's lifestyle." The second says "I have heard of Stormy Daniels and I'm curious to try her lifestyle." The third says "I want Alberta Pippilini's lifestyle." St. Peter asks "Who is she?" The woman says "I read about her in the paper." and shows him a news article.

St Peter laughs and says "You should have worn your glasses, this says "Alberta Pipeline laid by 500 men."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I must have missed the memo cancelling Thursday..........

[HONDO74]

I must have missed the memo cancelling Thursday..........

Better to be a day early than a day late and a dollar short.

I wanted to beat the Friday rush. Couldn't wait until midnight.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

[HONDO74]

So I am 2 days late on this one.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted .

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do here, today, may be a burning issue somewhere else, tomorrow.
__________________

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him, "The chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical."