Never question a Drunk!

[E7]

Mens' Philosophy About Wives

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

King David


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sasha Guitry


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous


The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Red Skelton


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murray


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash


You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

Henny Youngman


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'


Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

[Big Jim]

Subject: Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots.
This is the first warning I have seen for men.
I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.
This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works;
Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look)
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 11th &12th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Costco to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[rogruth]

Thanks for the tip, Big Jim.
I'll stock up with wallets this P.M.

[E7]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your *sshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

[Tony-h]

I gotta remember that one!

[E7]

Bad News About Grandpa


An elderly man had a massive stroke, and the family drove him to the emergency room!

After a while, the ER Doctor appeared wearing a long face.

“I’m afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

“Oh Dear God” cried his wife “We’ve never had a liberal in the family before!”

[webenda]

A conductor on the train to Newport, RI, back in the days when that was the resort for the extremely wealthy of New York, comes up to a well-known resort denizen sitting in a coach seat with a luggage blocking the aisle.

Conductor tells resorter he will have to get that bag out of the aisle. Passenger says he doesn't have to do anything about the bag.

Conductor gets mad, chews passenger out about "You Newporters think you're in charge of the whole world. Well, I'm in charge of this train and if you don't get that bag out of the aisle, I'll throw it off the train."

Passenger ignores conductor.

Conductor throws bag overboard and comes back to passenger. Conductor says "There, now what are you going to do about that?".

Passenger's answer; "Nothing, it wasn't my bag."

[Big Jim]

Andy Griffith's Peaceful little town of Mayberry: One reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, Helen, Thelma, Lou, Clara, and of course Opie - all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
...Hmm...

[rogruth]

Those Mayberry folks were a lot smarter than most thought.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Having your prostate checked can be unpleasant.

This is particularly true if your dentist doesn't know what he's doing.

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Having your prostate checked can be unpleasant.

This is particularly true if your dentist doesn't know what he's doing.

Or if he moonlights as a construction worker, particularly as a bricklayer.

[rogruth]

OMG. LOL. OM Achinbut to paraphrase John Allen.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin , I am.”

The first one responds, “So am I!”

“Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.” The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other bloke answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”

The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!”

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”

Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”

“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

[rogruth]

Rufus,

[Rufus T. Firefly]

This morning I lucked out, and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a really short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a
sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"