"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 6OO SL." - Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." - Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, "divorce" ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" - Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." - Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." - Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns
Never question a Drunk!
Re: Never question a Drunk!
"If women are so great at multi-tasking, why is it they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" -Billy Connelly
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Ride 'em Cowboy
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
" I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds"
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
" I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 8 seconds"
Re: Never question a Drunk!
And after that are you a bull or a steer?
roger
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
Re: Never question a Drunk!
rogruth wrote:And after that are you a bull or a steer?
You are qualified to compete in bull riding events.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Well Helloooooooo!
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," He said,"did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one
eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and
withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at
the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely
right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooo! With
only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," He said,"did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one
eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and
withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at
the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely
right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooo! With
only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Re: Never question a Drunk!
That is logical.
roger
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
Re: Never question a Drunk!
I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes my wife look like she’s moving during sex.
The wife’s back on the warpath again. Last night, she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I’ll soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered…, McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night”.
My wife packed my bags and said “GET OUT!!!” As I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you ******!” “Oh”, I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
The wife’s back on the warpath again. Last night, she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I’ll soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered…, McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night”.
My wife packed my bags and said “GET OUT!!!” As I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you ******!” “Oh”, I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
Re: Never question a Drunk!
summer clearance sale makes way for the next holiday.
what could be here tomorrow? The rest of this stuff
what could be here tomorrow? The rest of this stuff
I spend entirely too many hours a day tying my shoes
Re: Never question a Drunk!
In honor of the late great Lawrence "Yogi" Berra who passed away yesterday at age 90.
As a general comment on baseball: "90% of the game is half-mental."
On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
"It ain't over till it's over." In July 1973, Berra's Mets trailed the Chicago Cubs by 9½ games in the National League East. The Mets rallied to win the division title on the final day of the season.
When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which was accessible by two routes: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
At Yogi Berra Day at Sportsman Park in St. Louis: "Thank you for making this day necessary.
"It's déjà vu all over again". Berra explained that this quote originated when he witnessed Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris repeatedly hit back-to-back home runs in the Yankees' seasons in the early 1960s.
"You can observe a lot by watching.
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours.
On economics: “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
On fan mail: “Never answer an anonymous letter.”
On the 1973 Mets: “We were overwhelming underdogs.”
On pregame rest: “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”
On a spring training drill: “Pair off in threes.”
On battling the shadows in left field at Yankee Stadium: “It gets late early out there.”
On the fractured syntax attributed to him: “I really didn’t say everything I said.”
As a general comment on baseball: "90% of the game is half-mental."
On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
"It ain't over till it's over." In July 1973, Berra's Mets trailed the Chicago Cubs by 9½ games in the National League East. The Mets rallied to win the division title on the final day of the season.
When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which was accessible by two routes: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
At Yogi Berra Day at Sportsman Park in St. Louis: "Thank you for making this day necessary.
"It's déjà vu all over again". Berra explained that this quote originated when he witnessed Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris repeatedly hit back-to-back home runs in the Yankees' seasons in the early 1960s.
"You can observe a lot by watching.
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours.
On economics: “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
On fan mail: “Never answer an anonymous letter.”
On the 1973 Mets: “We were overwhelming underdogs.”
On pregame rest: “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”
On a spring training drill: “Pair off in threes.”
On battling the shadows in left field at Yankee Stadium: “It gets late early out there.”
On the fractured syntax attributed to him: “I really didn’t say everything I said.”
Re: Never question a Drunk!
A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.
Wife: "Dear, please, go to the grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6."
Husband: "O.K., hun."
Half hour later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: "Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
Husband: "They had eggs."
Wife: "Dear, please, go to the grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6."
Husband: "O.K., hun."
Half hour later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.
Wife: "Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
Husband: "They had eggs."
rogruth wrote:That is logical.
----Wayne----
Back when I was growing up, if you didn't start someth'n, there wouldn't be noth'n.
--Merle Haggard
Back when I was growing up, if you didn't start someth'n, there wouldn't be noth'n.
--Merle Haggard
Re: Never question a Drunk!
5 RULES
1. Forgive your enemy, but remember the b*stard's name.
2. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive today only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
1. Forgive your enemy, but remember the b*stard's name.
2. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive today only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-
Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 42212
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
E7 wrote:5 RULES
1. Forgive your enemy, but remember the b*stard's name.
I am more inclined to embrace, "We should forgive our enemies, but not before they are hanged."
Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Rufus T. Firefly wrote:E7 wrote:5 RULES
1. Forgive your enemy, but remember the b*stard's name.
I am more inclined to embrace, "We should forgive our enemies, but not before they are hanged."
Or maybe do unto others before they do unto you.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
The Chicken and the Horse
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(Yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(Yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
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