Never question a Drunk!

[E7]

Educated Athletes

Been around , but still pretty funny

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach,I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M , recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ... He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence" said the farmer, who added: "It is a special day for me ... I'm celebrating

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years , and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome" said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster" the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"

[HONDO74]

Medicare -
Part G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you're an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself.
The government says there's no Nursing Home care available for
you.

So, what do you do? You opt for Part G.

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun (Part G) and four bullets. You
are allowed to shoot four politicians. This means, of course, that you'll
be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head,
central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health
Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses?
That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex
change, or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do
now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.

And....you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. And now, because
you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes. Is this a great country or what?

Now that we've solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your week !

[HONDO74]

[E7]

Texas Midget

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor
told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up on the
examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger
under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough,
the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..."mumbled the doctor,
and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to
cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect
Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."

[rogruth]

Arrrrrgh!!!!!

[E7]

HOT COFFEE!


Gotta love those grand-kids ..


I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied,"Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Sh*t."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[sarge]

The village drunk staggered out of the pub and into the street where he almost got run down by a nun. She jumped out of her car and started reading the drunk out for his many transgressions. In the middle of the nun's recitations of his sins, all and sundry, the drunk suddenly hauls off and flattens the nun.

The constable arrives to the sight of the drunk standing over the prostrate form yelling, "Not so bloody tough then, are ya, Batman?!

[MurphOnMillerAve]

[rogruth]

[sarge]

:roll:

Oh, c'mon Murph! That was funny!

(Clean, too!)

[Rufus T. Firefly]

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

[MurphOnMillerAve]

How many ISIS members would it take?

[Tramp]

How many are there?

[Rufus T. Firefly]

How many ISIS members would it take?

That would ask another question and would require canvassing other religions. I am ill equipped to do so at this time.