Never question a Drunk!

[E7]

Random Thoughts As We Age...

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment .... now, as a grown up, it just feels
like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the
things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than
"yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid .... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't
understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there
for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ...
chocolate is Salad !!!

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Random Thoughts As We Age...

I just can't up and going until I've had a good cup of coffee in the morning......
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..................................Oh, I've tried other enemas.

[E7]

WHY I'LL NEVER WIN ON "WHEEL OF FORTUNE"

_UCK _E IN THE A_ _ TONIGHT

Apparently the correct answer is:

"Luck be in the air tonight"

Who knew?

Rich

[E7]

Homesick Snowbird

In Jacksonville , FL , the other day
there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: " I miss
Chicago" .

Someone broke the window, stole
the radio, shot out all four of the tires,
added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "Hope this helps.”


Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enter the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering' a little."

[E7]

MY NEW UROLOGIST

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, as well as, unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why??

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

[J. S. Bach]

[E7]

Norwegian Fire Department

Outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!

[rogruth]

ROTFLMAO

[J. S. Bach]

Whew, finger tired.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

I asked a clerk the other day, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk said, "Are you Polish?"

I was very offended and responded, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk said, "No, I probably wouldn't."

I replied, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[rogruth]

Repeat my above post.

[J. S. Bach]

Triple my above post!!

[E7]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1.) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2.) The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3.) You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4.) You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5.) You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6.) Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7.) You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8.) Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9.) Your junior prom offered day care.

10.) You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11.) You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

12.) The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13.) You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14.) One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15.) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16.) You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17.) You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....

Two good ol' boys in a Arkansas trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer
after getting off work at the local horse trailer manufacturing plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the
2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin'
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes
thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would
make us even!"

NOW ALL Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY!

[rogruth]

E7,

You got relatives down here?

You seem to know a lot about us.