Never question a Drunk!

[rogruth]

Well I thought it was funny.

[E7]

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.



Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen

Rich

[E7]

*The definition of Bravery*

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"


Rich

[J. S. Bach]

*The definition of Bravery*
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....
Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
Rich

One would have to be "stinking drunk" to say that at that time.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

*The definition of Bravery*

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"


Rich

More likely the definition of stupidity or suicidal,

[E7]

"By the time a man realises that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong."

Puts me in mind of one of Mark Twain's:

"When I was 14 years old my father was one of the dumbest men I knew. By the time I got to be 21, I was amazed at what the old man had managed to learn in 7 years!"

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A guy joins his friend seated at the bar and notices that right in front of his friend there's a miniature guy playing a miniature piano right there on the bar next to a lamp.

"Can't help but notice the little guy and piano. Where did you get it?

"Oh, I got it from the genie in the lamp."

"Really!! Can I try?"

"Sure, why not?", and he hands him the lamp.

He rubs the lamp, up pops the genie, and he immediately wishes, "I wish for a million bucks!"

In a blinding flash, the bar is hip deep with ducks!

"Hey!! There's something wrong with this genie!", he yells at his friend. "I think it's got some sort of hearing problem."

His friend replied, "I think you're right. I didn't wish for a 12' pianist."

[J. S. Bach]

[E7]

IRS Audit

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his
deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

Rich

[rogruth]

Rich,

Sounds like a lot of small business owners I know.

[webenda]

Your drunk tests are hard!
http://youtu.be/LvuWci2eoE8
http://youtu.be/unseSFWjuqs

[rogruth]

Thanks Wayne. It was a good way to start the day.

[E7]

20 Jokes that ONLY Intellectuals will understand

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar The bartender asks: Do all of you want a drink?

The first logician says “I don’t know.”

The second logician says “I don’t know”

The third logician says “Yes.”

4. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing Hide and Go Seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to
Count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton
draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein
and stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton
immediately and exclaims “Newton!” “I found you!” “You’re it!”

Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me.” “You found a Newton over a square meter.”
“You found Pascal!”

5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were
placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The
experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the
distance between them and the woman. The mathematician exclaimed “This is
pointless!” and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment
anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “Don’t you see, you’ll
never actually reach her!” To which the engineer replied “ So what! Pretty soon
I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

“You mean a Martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies “If I had wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

7. Another Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers and says “Five beers
please.”

8. A logicians wife is having a baby. The Doctor immediately hands the newborn to
the dad.

His wife asks impatiently “So is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician replies “Yes.”

9. John-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café revising his draft of Being and
Nothingness. He says to the waitress “I’d like a cup of coffee please, with no
cream.” The waitress replies “I’m sorry Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How
about with no milk?”

10. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to
Pronounce unionized.

12. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the other two and says “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we
Figure out if it’s funny or not?” Godel replies, “We can’t know that because
we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it
wrong.”

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh
sh*t, I forgot to feed the dog!”

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry we don’t
serve nobel gases here.” He doesn’t react.

16. Schrodingers cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

17. A Bhuddist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “Make me one with
everything.”

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the preist says “We don’t allow Higgs
Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson then replies “But without me, how would
you have mass?”

19. The programmer’s wife tells him “Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they
Have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.


Rich

[J. S. Bach]

...:
Loaded Gun Hidden in Suspect’s Vagina

APRIL 22--A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report. As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer alerted to an “unknown object” in the teenager’s crotch during a search. The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a “North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina, ”according to a Kingsport Police Department report.
A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver--which is four inches in length--had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a 70-year-old retired car salesman. In a TSG interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”
News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport Times-News.
Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility. According to a jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.

AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES
1. ​ I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked...
5. "For sale AA22LR never used; still in the box."
6. Report reads, "...Introducing contraband into a penal facility." Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember : Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10.You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking...
11. Oh my... accident waiting to happen. Could 'shoot the beaver'.
12.I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...
13.Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
14.I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?
15.Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge"...
16.Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?
17.A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18.Figures... it uses 'rim shot' ammo.

[E7]

A submission for #19

Could be her Magnum "Opuss"

Rich