Never question a Drunk!

[rogruth]

Now why is that for Murph?

[ChipR]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very
interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down
his paint to make it go a wee bit further..
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually
the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside
of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.........
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,
the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint
from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to
land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles
of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voicespoke.
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[E7]

Now why is that for Murph?

Roger,

That was the original "joke" that started this whole mess off. Judging by his recent comment, I was not sure if Murph (who is a really good guy) had ever read it, and I wanted him to see that NO driving was involved in the story, nor in ANY way was it advocating or making light of driving under the influence, which is a most serious problem!

Rich

[rogruth]

Rich,

OK.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's faint whisper. "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?"

A small voice whispered, "Yes - he's out in the garden."

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

So the boss asked, "Well - is your Mommy there?"

"Yes, she's out in the garden too."

The boss asked, "May I talk with her?"

Again the answer was "No".

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"


"Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home - the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No -- he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men."

Growing more worried - he heard a very loud noise in the background. The boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"It's a helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss -- now truly apprehensive.

"The search team just landed a helicopter."

"A search team?" said the boss. "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle -- "ME!!"


And this is why parents drink!

[rogruth]

YES.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

And you know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad luck."

[Berk765]

I love that one.

[E7]

5 unshakable facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.




2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.




3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.




4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.




5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Sam Adams, Fosters, Carlsberg & Heiniken. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

[E7]

Sam Elliot's take on slow government response:

While hiking along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM and both have drowned and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps!

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

The Pope and Queen are together at the Vatican out on the balconey.

The crowd down below has quieted down and the Queen says to the Pope, "Want to have some fun?".

The Pope is intrigued and nods yes.

The Queen says. "I'll bet you that with one wave of my royal hand I can make every English person in this crowd start cheering."

"Prove it", says the Pope and the Queen gives a quick royal wave to the crowd.

Sure enough all the English people start cheering. After 5 minutes things calm down again.

The pope says, "That's not bad, but I'll bet you that with one motion of my hand I can make every Catholic person in this crowd go absolutely bonkers. They will make such a fuss over my one hand movement that it will be remembered in the history books. It will be the ultimate hand gesture."

"Right", says the queen in disbelief. " Ok, prove it!"




And with the challenge accepted, he punched her.

[J. S. Bach]

Not the ending that I was expecting. My thoughts were more along the line of the All-American one-gun salute.

[E7]

Irish Nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your tits, yer bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross."

Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off yer fookin little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculate looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

[J. S. Bach]

Cross or crass.

[rogruth]

Dave,

Did you
1-laugh?
2-groan?
3-roll eyes?
4-all of the above?
5-other?

I .