Never question a Drunk!

[healey36]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"

[E7]

Texas Sheriff Exam


A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could
shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him
into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So
far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an
"Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit"?

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

[Rufus T. Firefly]

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his girlfriend. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The man went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his girlfriend to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His girlfriend was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[rogruth]

This one is still funny.
I think I first heard it 60 years ago when I was a college undergrad.
It's good to be reminded of my youth.

Oh yeah.Do you know where I can find that medicine man or his son?

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Never question a drunk? I question that. Drunks need questioning. Yup. like, "How much have you had to drink? And, "May I have your car keys, bub,"
(Am I a party-pooper? Maaaaaaaybeeee. )
Feelin' feisty,
Murph

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Drunks need questioning.

Standard question: Do helicopters eat their young?

[MurphOnMillerAve]

I'm glad we agree.

[rogruth]

Well,do they?

[J. S. Bach]

Standard question: Do helicopters eat their young?

Did anyone give you a reasonable answer to that one today at the show?

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Well,do they?

Standard question: Do helicopters eat their young?

Did anyone give you a reasonable answer to that one today at the show?

To the best of my knowledge, there were no drunks in attendance yesterday.

[rogruth]

So is that where milkshakes come from?

[Rufus T. Firefly]

So is that where milkshakes come from?

Butter.

[rogruth]

So is that where milkshakes come from?

Butter.

Eventually.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

So is that where milkshakes come from?

Butter.

Eventually.

Extracting is the challenging part,

[E7]

For Murph!!!!!!!

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the purchases were being rung-up, the drunk calmly stated 'You must be single'.

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said... 'Yes you are correct: But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.

Rich