Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Sorry, Rufus, you have had many, many way better attempts at humor than that one.

Just one of those darker days...............

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A guy calls home to his wife on a Thursday and says, "Honey, I’ve been asked to fly to Canada with my boss for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend, and we'll be staying at a lodge near a river. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion, so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend?

“And also would you get out my rod and my tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office, and I'll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas and robe. I love you!”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit dicey, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked; and following the long weekend he comes home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He answers, “Yes, lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike -- but why didn't you pack my silk pajamas and robe like I asked you?”





The wife replies: "I did, honey -- they're in your tackle box…”

[E7]

Don't Despair!


Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.


"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[E7]

THE FOOTLESS PARROT


A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.



It doesn't have any feet or legs.



The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'



The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'



'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !'



'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly
intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'



'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your
perch, without any feet.?'



'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see
it, because of my feathers.'



'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English,
can't you.?'



'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy
me, I'd be a great companion.'



The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford
that.'



'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just
make the guy an offer.!'



The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.



Weeks go by.



The parrot is sensational.



He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.



The guy is delighted.



One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.



'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife,
and the UPS man.'



'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.



'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the
door, in a sheer black nightie.'



'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.



'THEN what happened?'



'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie,
and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.



'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'



'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees,
and began to kiss her all over.'



Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'



DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[rogruth]

The parrot owner couldn't see that coming?

[E7]

The parrot owner couldn.t seed that coming?

Not knowing much about the libido of parrots, I think it might be a bit of a stretch that they would become "excited" by human fornication, but then it was necessary for the punch line!

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss explodes, "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.

Then the boss asked sarcastically, "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[J. S. Bach]

Did not see that one coming!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two guys were sitting at the bar having a conversation….

“What a night I had last Saturday!”

“Really?”

“I met this woman at the bar and things were going really great, if you know what I mean. Next thing I know we’re back at her apartment and things are getting hot and heavy. So, I pulled a condom out of my pocket”

“Sounds promising”

“All of a sudden she’s putting on the brakes, “Where did you get that?!!??””

“I told her I picked it up at the bar and that they’re free in the men’s room at the bar.”

“She’s all upset now and rolling her eyes with, “Eeewwww…”

“Sounds like that ended your evening. Too bad.”

“Well, you’d think so, but not quite right away. I replied to here, “What’s the problem? I picked you up at the same bar.””

“So, then what?”



“For the life of me, I still don’t remember driving myself to that ER…”

[rogruth]

Rufus,

You need to be more careful about which bars you hang out in.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Rufus,

You need to be more careful about which bars you hang out in.

It's an educational experience............

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Rufus,

You need to be more careful about which bars you hang out in.

It's an educational experience............

I've been to bars, like along Rt11 in PA and NY, where just my driving up to the establishment got a particular attention. (Can you picture it?) Stepping inside has, actually, upon occasion, put a pause in the proceedings around me and created a quiet moment or two; then, business resumed as "usual."

Oh, and P.S. I never questioned anybody, drunk (them, not I) or otherwise.

P.P.S. You guys may have just given me new ideas for a scene to craft (!) Suggestions? Pictures? A nice rural (semi-rural?) bar with a gravel parking-lot and access from Rt.11-type territory.

[E7]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.



The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.



The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.



Obviously, the man was impressed.



The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

[Berk765]

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and they came on to a sign that said, Disneyland left.

They started crying and drove back home.