Never question a Drunk!

[Berk765]

IMHO this is something a man would/might do.

A woman would NEVER do anything so dumb,just ask her.

[HONDO74]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

[rogruth]

That is a horrible story butt how do you hang in there and not laugh?

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Probably would be equally appropriate on the Cat Toy discussion,

[Berk765]

[Berk765]

A man died and went to heavon, as he stood with St. Peter and the Pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter said. " Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Everytime you tell a lie the hands on the clock will move."

"Oh" said the man. "Who's clock is that??"
"That's mother Teresa's. The hands never moved, indicating that she never told a lie in her life."

"Incredible." said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, indicating that he only told two lies in his life."

"Where's Obama's clock?" Asked the man.

"It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says, ""No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[Rufus T. Firefly]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...


... "The balcony."

[rogruth]

Speaking of balconies-----

A small southern country church was having a revival and the preacher had attracted a full house.
Even the balcony was full.The revivalist was taken by the enthusiasm of the crowd as shown by
the shouts from the congregation of "Praise the Lord","Hallelujah" and "Amen".One young well
endowed and good looking lady in the balcony was overcome with passion and fell out of the
balcony.She was able to grab the chandelier and was dangling above the audience.The
revivalist,thinking fast,announced with a voice of doom that "God will strike blind any man who looks up.
One old fellow said "I'll risk one eye" and covered one eye with his hand before looking at the vision
hanging above him.

[HONDO74]

Easy Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time, and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Denver Post is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

[E7]

A Wee Bit of Old Irish Humor...


An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.



He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.



The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"



The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."



So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.



He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"



The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"



The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again, but for a little longer.



He again pulls him out of the water & asks, "Have you found Jesus me brother?"



The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"



By this time the preacher is at his wits end & dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms & legs about, he pulls him up.



The preacher again asks the drunk........"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"



The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath and says to the preacher…"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[E7]

An 86 year old retiree checked in at the hospital with his M.D. For his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,' Things are great
And I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute… And then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
Walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male
beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it
were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'." Miraculously, two shots rang out and
the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."


You gotta love lawyers!!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Nurery Rhyme update:

Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

Jack fell down the well and drowned, and Jill ran home soon after.

Jack's body started to decay and after a few days went by contaminated the water which caused everybody in the village to die.

The End.

[J. S. Bach]

Sorry, Rufus, you have had many, many way better attempts at humor than that one.