Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You ******!"

Continuing the judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out again, "You rotten ******!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, your honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one”.

[E7]

Subject: Ole on his deathbed



Ole Olson is on his deathbed, knows the end is near,
he is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.


So he says to them:

"My oldest son Swen, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses;

My daughter Lena, take the apartments over in Edina;

My son Rasmus, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin;

and Gunhild, My dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."



The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away, she says, "Mrs. Olson, your
husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property."



Gunhild replies, "Property? ... the idiot had a paper route!"


Rich

[HONDO74]

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first
to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion
, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"


"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex
again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of
greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at
night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day
it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"







"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

[E7]

Subject: Apolitical Aphorisms


If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~



The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~



We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

~Aesop~



If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union
speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~



Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there
is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~



When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning
to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~



Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your
opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~



Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out
and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~



Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from
the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~



I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop
telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~



A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~



I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to
the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~



Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change
the locks.

~Doug Larson~



There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on
senators.

~Will Rogers~


Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two guys were drinking in a bar.


One said, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw, crap...." said his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!”

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my two brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, and I had to quit drinking."


"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about ' Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head."No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, ' I remembered where I left me hat."

[J. S. Bach]

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Brit admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a Frenchman, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, followed by quite few glasses of ale.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver... on the other side???

[rogruth]

Dave,

LMAO

[Rufus T. Firefly]

The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $2,000.00. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"


The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

[Berk765]

This one is from rogruth.


If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


Last edited by perado; 07-18-2012 at 04:35 PM.

[rogruth]

Berk,

I wish I could take credit but let me re-credit the above.I sent it to several folks but Murph sent it to me.

[Berk765]

Berk,

I wish I could take credit but let me re-credit the above.I sent it to several folks but Murph sent it to me.

It's still funny as hell.

[MurphOnMillerAve]

The wives of some of my friends apparently don't think so. Maybe it's a "male thing"?

[rogruth]

IMHO this is something a man would/might do.

A woman would NEVER do anything so dumb,just ask her.