Never question a Drunk!

[J. S. Bach]

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[webenda]

Two true jokes:

Where I worked in Tucson, every morning there was an announcement over the public address system, "This is a test of the public address system. If you cannot hear this message, please call extension 44483 and report the problem." Never failed to give us a good laugh to start the day.

I received an email from the Arizona Department of Transportation this morning that is just as intelligent.


"Dear Valued Customer,


The Arizona Department of Transportation Motor Vehicle Division (ADOT/MVD) is validating records.

You are receiving this at the email address on file for sending your vehicle registration renewal notices electronically, as opposed to a paper copy through U.S. mail.

If you receive this message, NO ACTION IS REQUIRED.

If our email address for you is incorrect and you do not receive this message please use the Address/Email Change feature.

Please do not reply to this message.


Regards,
ADOT/MVD "

[rogruth]

Wayne,

The bad part is that I understand that.
Did anyone ever call and report NOT hearing the morning message?

[webenda]

What... and spoil a good joke? I think not.

[rogruth]

I guess no one on the office end would get it.

[webenda]

Not likely. I did a slow take on your joke about someone calling to say they did not hear the message.

Abbott and Costello would have the audience falling out of their seats laughing at such an announcement.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

Finally after letting the United Way rep settle down, the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

[J. S. Bach]

THANKS, DAMMIT!!!! I was eating when I got to the punch line!!!!!!!! BTW, do you know the best method for cleaning pork sausage off of a touchscreen monitor?

[Berk765]

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Violence at the Grammys....

http://youtu.be/m4luHEVjqKA

[Berk765]

I liked that one Rufus.

[E7]

Testing the New Teacher

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart alack punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence.....

The rest of the year went very smoothly.


Rich

[rogruth]

ROTFLOL.