Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Jeeze man!
You have a remarkably obtuse/creative mind.

Let's just call it eclectic and leave it at that,

However, in this case I am merely the conduit and not the source, and take no credit for the creativity involved.

[AFTP375]

Jeeze man!
You have a remarkably obtuse/creative mind.

Let's just call it eclectic and leave it at that,

However, in this case I am merely the conduit and not the source, and take no credit for the creativity involved.

I am sorry. I did not mean to insult you.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Jeeze man!
You have a remarkably obtuse/creative mind.

Let's just call it eclectic and leave it at that,

However, in this case I am merely the conduit and not the source, and take no credit for the creativity involved.

I am sorry. I did not mean to insult you.

No insult was there as far as I am concerned; everything is just ticketyboo!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

An extraordinarily attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

And with that announcement, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! Yes! I won! I won! I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other totally dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, .. but all men...are men!

[E7]

CONFESSION


An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

"That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[HONDO74]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old

USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot ?

He replied, "well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans,

the early Grummans... flew a wildcat and Corsair in WWII and later in the Korea

conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more that 260 people to fly and given rides to

hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, you, what are you ?

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I take a shower,

I think about about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women.

It seems everything makes me think about naked women.

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on

the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot ?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'M a LESBIAN

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[E7]

MEN ARE GREAT THINKERS!

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think It would nice to have another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case!

Time for another beer.

PS: What deep thinkers men are.

Rich

[healey36]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset, so, we gave him his two dollars back."

[E7]

Cajun Confession


Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."


Rich

[HONDO74]

In 1912, the World famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D., PhD. published the following.

"The best engine in the World is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. It changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is to fricking temperamental".

[J. S. Bach]

[rogruth]

Of course you must be aware that sometimes that starting finger seems to be of the wrong variety and the start fails to complete.