Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I like #1,2&6.

I'm kind of partial to #3 as well.

[rogruth]

I like #1,2&6.

I'm kind of partial to #3 as well.

OK.

[E7]

EARLY RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body..

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip
of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip
of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he
would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the
nice big checks the previous two Officers had received, but the old Chief insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical
officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.


Rich

[rogruth]

Don't mess with old Chiefs.ROTFLMAO.

[HONDO74]

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Wow ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes ! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.


And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !

[E7]

2 POEMS

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits,
Who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking..
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

Rich

[rogruth]

Some would call that the perfect woman.You forgot rich.

[E7]

:roll: Some would call that the perfect woman.You forgot rich.

Nope......different gag: I have finally found the perfect woman to be my wife. She's deaf and dumb, oversexed, and owns a liquor store.

Attributed to W. C. Fields, Dean Martin, and others.

Rich

[HONDO74]

Another one compliments of ROGER "rogruth"

*VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[E7]

The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit
my aging father. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You dumb sh*t! You're supposed to turn your clock back".


Rich

[rogruth]

Aaaaaarrrrrgggg.

[E7]

TAKE ME TO JAIL!

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, You might as well take my *ss to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.

[PRRGG1K4]

[PRRGG1K4]

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1 000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get Lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the kings underwear. The king immediately summoned Nick.