Never question a Drunk!

[ANG retired]

Double tap. Stupid computer....

[ANG retired]

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The
Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded
"yes," so the Republican requested that she give
Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched
back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and
asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over
there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked
her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat
on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and
hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about
getting me a cold glass of Pepsi?" He, too, looked
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy
over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the
Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of Pepsi.
"On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican,
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed." The Republican felt the strength come back
into his legs, got up, and danced out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The
Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised
his hands, praised the Lord and skipped out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped
up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm collecting disability!"


A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm
as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy
as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna ...................





Get ***** out of my peaches....

[rogruth]

X 2.

[cpsteamer]

Nancy and Harry!!




Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back Middle America in 2012 ."

"Great, but how do you propose we go about that, "asked Harry?"

"Well," Nancy responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America , and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Washington in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar.
They stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
Nancy answered, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Harry suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opened and a grizzled old farmer came in.. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Nancy and Harry could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. "Tell me," said Nancy , "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the bartender.. "It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a**holes!"

[E7]

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security



Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

Explosives Discovered 0

Weapons Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3



Rich

[rogruth]

Rich,

[AG]

is the cold hard truth.
AG.

[AG]

The difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED... But there is!
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED...
And when the wrong one catches you with the right one, you are...
COMPLETELY FINISHED .
AG.

[rogruth]

AG, You got it.

[E7]

Having been pondering my mortality of late, last night when my kids stopped by and were sitting in the living room, I said to them:

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So they got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine!!!


Rich

[rogruth]

Shirley you jest.

[E7]

I'll defer to the late Leslie Nielsen!

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

[cpsteamer]

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[E7]

Romance Novel



He held me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room. I had never been there but I knew this was his room. I knew what he was going to do to me, and I knew I was going to let him. The door closed quietly and we were alone.



He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."


Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.


When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine. My entire body was throbbing when he discovered my pink, lace thong.


Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. "This is a man," I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...


"Okay all done. Here's your purse, ma'am. Have a nice flight."

Rich