Friday Funnies

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Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.


Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her
drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction
flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what'sthe bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday.

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A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this..I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.'

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Imponderables:
1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
2. Does the Little Mermaid wear algebra?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
5. How is it possible to have a civil war?
6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
7. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
8. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
9. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
10. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
11. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
12. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
13. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
14. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
15. Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
16. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
17. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
18. What happens when none of your bees wax?
19. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
20. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

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Beer Wisdom:
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
You don't like jail? Nah, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
One more drink and I'd be under the host. --Dorothy Parker

[HONDO74]

Joe and Mary go for counseling after 40 years of marriage. When the counselor asks what the problem is, Mary goes into a long rant of problems she has with Joe. Neglect, loneliness, unloved, lack of intimacy, on and on she continues. The counselor comes around his desk and tells her to stand up. When she does he gives her a warm embrace and a long passionate kiss and Mary sits down in stunned silence. The counselor tells Joe that's what she needs three days a week.

Joe replies, "Well I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays but I golf on Fridays."

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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

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Health Alert for Men. . .If you are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says

"Made in the USA"!
We do not want the Chinese meddling in our erections!

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FINAL EXAM

There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which Tire? _________

[E7]

24 hours in a day, 24 bottles in a case of beer! Coincidence.....I think NOT! Steven Wright

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Speech Impediment
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

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Cabbies....

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

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"How was your golf game, dear?"... asked Jack's wife.
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot.

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Yep!