Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my Congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to scanning my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer.

[Berk765]

Rufus,

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.

Q: I’m 2 months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So, what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes. Pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college

[J. S. Bach]

Rufus,

[E7]

Good one Rufus!

Rich

[E7]

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT !!!!

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
______________________
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little b*stard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer �100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, �200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
_______________________
Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I- A -L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.\

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________



Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


Rich

[J. S. Bach]

...snip...
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
...snip...
Rich

Thanks, I almost sprayed sode all over my monitor! BTW change "Mom" to "wife".

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Shades of Art Linkletter!

[jw_clarke54]

Damn, thats on the same level as than Johnny Carson, close enough! BTW My Wife would have killed me for spraying Coffee all over the place! next time Warn US james

[John Webster]

This is one of the few internet forums where you can reference Art Linkletter and Johnny Carson and be sure everybody gets it.

[rogruth]

Well almost everybody.

[J. S. Bach]

This is one of the few internet forums where you can reference Art Linkletter and Johnny Carson and be sure everybody gets it.

I think that Steve Allen was much better than Carson; BTW, Art who?

[rogruth]

IMHO,Allen and Carson were both brilliant in different ways.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

This is one of the few internet forums where you can reference Art Linkletter and Johnny Carson and be sure everybody gets it.

I think that Steve Allen was much better than Carson; BTW, Art who?

Indeed. Allen was hilarious.

The reference to Art was that segment of "Kids say the darndest things"........

[rogruth]

What constitutes comedy,IMO,changed considerably over the past 50 years.
What I think is funny my grand kids think is stupid.
I still laugh at Groucho and the Marx Brothers,Ernie Kovacs,W.C.Fields,Buster Keaton and many others.
Todays humor depends too much on the put-down.
Opinio of course.