Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

One day a teacher brought some LifeSavers to school. The teacher asked the children if they could name the flavors.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color and taste:

Red……………………………Cherry
Yellow……………………….Lemon
Green…………………………Lime
Orange……………………….Orange

Finally, the teacher gave them all Honey LifeSavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It’s what your Mother may sometimes call your Father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit out her LifeSaver and screamed, “Oh, my God! They’re A$$holes!”

[rogruth]

Two goodies in a row.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting across from him…

The teenage had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, blue…

My Dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking up and would find my Dad staring at her every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

My Dad responded without a pause, “I got stoned once and I think I f’d a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter.”

[E7]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

Rich

[rogruth]

Hope my wife doesn't see this.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Hope my wife doesn't see this.

Don't worry, the Viagra is only to keep you from rolling out of bed,

[E7]

MAUREEN'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP


DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers

Decided on this "all-girls" trip.

It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time.

He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.... I was shocked.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice.


Rich

[E7]

Lemon Picker

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do:

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
I've been divorced three times,
owned 2 Chryslers and voted
for Obama."


Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?,' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.

And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.

[rogruth]

Rufus,
X 10,000.

[J. S. Bach]

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
...snip...
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.

"How do you get this car out of second gear?"

[E7]

An Oldie but Goodie

The Golfing Nun:

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother: 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and dropped the ball on the green and it rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the F***ING putt, didn't you?'

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers.

Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'


The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

[E7]

One afternoon a Congressman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Congressman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Congressman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the Congressman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Congressman and said, "Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The Congressman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."



Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming Congressman story...did you??

Rich

[E7]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that sh*t.

Never mind.

Rich