Never question a Drunk!

[cpsteamer]

Morris returns from the doctor
And tells his wife that the
Doctor has told him that he
Has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris
Asks his wife for sex.


Naturally, she agrees, so
They make love.


About 6 hours later, the
Husband goes to his wife and says,


'Honey, you know I now have
Only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one
More time?'


Of course, the wife agrees,
And they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into
Bed, he looks at his watch


And realizes that he now has
Only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's
Shoulder and asks,


'Honey, please... Just one
More time before I die.'


She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
And they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife
Rolls over and falls to sleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
Tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.


He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


Do you think we
Could...'


At this point the wife sits
Up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning.... You don't.'

[cpsteamer]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why was the dog allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".
v
The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the Policeman said, "Watch this". He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Policeman's arm. The Policeman said, "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana. I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land".

"Gee, that's pretty good", replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisle. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and this time, he placed two paws on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the authorities.

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisle for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the Policeman, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, "What's going on"?

The Policeman nervously replied, "He just found a bomb".

[Rufus T. Firefly]

There once was a vampire named Mable,
Whose periods were really quite stable,
At every full moon,
She pulled out a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.

[rogruth]

ARRRGH

[cpsteamer]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Pete. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Pete says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Pete?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Pete says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I had a bad day yesterday.

Rear ended this guy that jammed on the brakes for some reasons. Totally the back end of the car...

Hopped out to take a look and the car door opened, and this dwarf jumps out, runs up to me waving his arms, screaming that he's not happy...

I stop and look down, "Ok, so which one are you then?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.andthen the fight started.

[E7]

There was a young man named Skinner,
who took a young lass to dinner.

They sat down to dine at a quarter til' nine,
by a quarter til' ten it was in her.

The dinner,
not Skinner!

Skinner was in her before dinner!

Rich

[cpsteamer]

With appologies to Lutz K

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" w...ill replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past.

"Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now."

"Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke.

"Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away."

"No, I wouldn't," replied the second."

"All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top."

The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"

[rogruth]

OK Rufus,what/who are you now?I really can't make out that one.

[hev52]

OK Rufus,what/who are you now?I really can't make out that one.

Looks like somethin' that would eat your *** Roger.................

[Rufus T. Firefly]

OK Rufus,what/who are you now?I really can't make out that one.

Looks like somethin' that would eat your *** Roger.................

You're pretty much on track!

Cthulhu, one of the elder Gods.......

You guys need to catch up on your reading -- H.P. Lovecraft and August Derleth.

[rogruth]

OK Rufus,what/who are you now?I really can't make out that one.

Looks like somethin' that would eat your *** Roger.................

You're pretty much on track!

Cthulhu, one of the elder Gods.......

You guys need to catch up on your reading -- H.P. Lovecraft and August Derleth.

I have read both,some time ago,but don't think I ever saw a depiction of Cthulhu before.

Even though I have had a lot of work done on my eyes recently,I find that I read with one eye because I cannot get both to focus.

[Lutz K]

With appologies to Lutz K

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" w...ill replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

thumbs up!

But, too much complicated.

Much easier:
Kanak Sprak!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanak_Sprak

Turks in Germany <=> Mexicans in USA

[Rufus T. Firefly]

It's late at night and there's a knock at the door.

The man gets up to answer it and upon opening the door he finds two policemen standing there looking very uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry, sir, but it appears that your wife has been hit by a truck," say the one officer.

The man pauses and replies, "Yes, I know that, but she has a great personality."