Never question a Drunk!

[HONDO74]

I was in the local Wal-mart the other day picking up some Purina dog chow for my critters.
As I approached the check out lane with the big bag of chow it it, the lady in front turned
and noticed the bag.

So she says, Oh do you have a dog. Rather than say yes I said, No, I am on the Purina diet.
With an astonished look on her face she ask, how does that work. So I proceed to tell her
that I put a couple of hands full of the cribbles in my pockets and when I feel hungry I
take some out and nibble on them.

Now she has a real puzzled look on her face so I tell her that I really should not be doing
this again because the last time I ended up in the hospital for a month with tubes running
in and out of me every which way.

Now she looks totally shocked and ask, did the cribbles poison you.
No mam I answered. I was sitting out in the middle of the street licking my ball and got hit
by a car

[Mitch]

Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[AG]

The madam opened the brothel door in Buffalo and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late forties.

"May I help you sir?"
she asked.

The man replied,
"I want to see Valerie."


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else",
said the madam.


He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie."

Valerie appeared and announced to the
man that she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.


After an hour, the man left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.


Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was so expensive.


"There are no discounts.
The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.


The following night the man was there yet again.


Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.


After their session, Valerie said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row.


"Where are you from?"


The man replied,


Ransomville


"Really," she said.



"I have family in Ransomville."


"I know." the man said.
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
"She asked me to give you your
$15,000 inheritance."






The moral of this story:
Three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed
by a lawyer!

[cpsteamer]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[cpsteamer]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault..


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).


His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.


Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.


It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or a paracetamol to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.


Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.


Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.


Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son,
Reason.


He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim


Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[rogruth]

CP,

Agreed.I retired from teaching after forty three years in 1999 because of the above,and bad legs

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[E7]

Rufus,

Sort of puts me in mind of the "Heineken" maneuver, where if I walk into the room and see someone choking, I see how many beers I can drink before they expire.

Rich

[dougdagrump]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful
day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to
send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true,
but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

[ANG retired]

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[ANG retired]

A new supermarket.


It has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows moo and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp
smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell o f fresh
baked bread & cookies.


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[AG]

well, the lingerie department......i think will be cool....don't you?

AG.

[cpsteamer]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in.

[cpsteamer]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow!

That was the best kiss I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting.

You could be famous!

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to.
I will answer it truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one.
I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops.
She is unable to look her husband in the eyes.
Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father."
Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?"
Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes.
She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."