Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Harold's Last Words.....

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long, slow and painful death!"

He paused, turned around, and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

[J. S. Bach]

[HONDO74]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:
“What is your name?”
Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman:
“Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”
Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”
Businessman: “How close?”
Flight Attendant: “Same price".

[HONDO74]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:



"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5

- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(scroll down and keep reading!)



PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

If only things were that simple...

[HONDO74]

The Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini-van with two flat tires..

[Rufus T. Firefly]

[Rufus T. Firefly]

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Har-dee-har-har...

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Three guys are drinking at the bar….and one of them has just come back from a vacation in Alaska.
“How’d the Alaska vacation go?”
“Well, the wife disappeared in a kayaking accident.”
“What!”
“Yeah, the kayak flipped over and when it flipped back up, she wasn’t there.”
“Two days later two state troopers showed up at my hotel door and told me that they had news about my wife. They said, “We have bad news, some good news, and some really great news.” I told them to give me the bad news first.”
The one trooper said, “We found her body in the Kachemak Bay.”
“I asked him whatever the good news could be.”
The trooper said, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs on her, and 6 good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her. We all feel that you are entitled to a share of the catch.”
There was a long pause before one of the other guys asked, “Geezus….. So what was the really great news?”

There was a longer pause before he replied, "The other trooper stated, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

[J. S. Bach]

An oldie but a goodie!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

[HONDO74]

Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"