Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Things to do in public:
1: Scream at someone, “You’re one of them!” and back away while pointing at them
2: Look at someone through glass and say loudly, “Wow, I’m hideous.”
3: Find a child. Tell them that you’re them from the future.
4: Go to PetSmart and buy bird seed. Ask them how long it will take for birds to grow.
5: Throw a small plastic ball at someone and yell, “Get back in your ball you stupid Pokemon!”
6: When money comes out of the ATM, scream, “I won! I won! I won!”
7: Bring a desk into an elevator. Ask people that enter if they have an appointment.
8: Fill an empty bottle of Windex with blue Gatoraid. Drink then double over in pain,
9: Walk into Sea World carrying a fishing pole.
10: Go up to random people at the mall, hold up your ID, and yell, “Have you seen this person?”

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

[J. S. Bach]

A study has revealed that the king of face a woman finds attractive on a man ...snip...

King of face????

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A study has revealed that the king of face a woman finds attractive on a man ...snip...

King of face????

Fat fingers strike again........

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I walk into a gas station and ask the clerk for $5 worth of gas.

He farts, hands me a receipt, and tells me to have a nice day.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I saw a bumper sticker that stated, "I'm a veterinarian so can drive like an animal."

I suddenly realized that there are an awful lot of proctologists driving around here.

[gregj410]

https://youtu.be/JJTOSjmqlmg

[Rufus T. Firefly]

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I picked up a hitchhiker last night

He seems surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks for the ride. But why did you pick me up? How do you know that I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of there being two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

[sleepmac]

Rufus, even my wife laughed at the Hitchhiker. ROFL

Dan Weinhold

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Three guys were sitting at the bar drinking and one in the middle had a small genie sitting on a lamp in front of him
The guy to the left asked, “Hey! Where’d you get him?”
“Well, I found this lamp, gave it a rub, and there he was. I made a wish, too. Want to try? Give it a rub.”
The guy to the right, “Yeah! Give it a rub and let’s see how this works.”
The guy to the left rubs the lamp and genie pops over to him and says, “ You rubbed just right so I’ll give you 1 wish; just 1!”
The guy to the right, “Go ahead! Make a wish!”
The guy to the left pauses and then, “Alrighty, I wish for a million bucks!”
Poof! And the bar is filled with a million little yellow ducks.
The guy to the left slowly turns to the guy in the middle, “I think your genie is hard of hearing. I wished for a million bucks!”
The guy to the middle looks up at his friend and replies, “No kidding. Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

[HONDO74]

[quote="“No kidding. Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”[/quote]

Took me a minute to catch that one......

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Took me a minute to catch that one......

I got a good snicker from it as well.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Three guys are drinking at the bar and the one to the far right is just back from a day off.

The guy to the far left asks, “So, what did you do for your day off?”

“Went to the beach.”

Guy in the middle asks, “Have any fun?”

“Yes, but some poor guy was in the water yelling “SHARK! HELP!”

Guy in the middle responds, “Dear God! Whatcha do?”

“Well, I sat there and laughed, of course. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.”

[Rufus T. Firefly]