Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I finally arrived home with this cute girl. We were “in a confident mood”, when hearing some screams and moans of pleasure from the apartment below.

Some would call this inspiring and stimulating, but it really turned me off. It was all over and she left a few minutes.

Perhaps it’s time to move out of my parent’s house……..

[rogruth]

Rufus,

These seasonal changes ae starting to get to me.

[E7]

Perhaps it’s time to move out of my parent’s house……..

Put's me in mind of a commercial currently running on the tube, but I can't recall what item/service they are peddling!

[E7]

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS IN A MAN

What a Woman Wants In a Man, The Original List( age 22 )
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What a Woman Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What a Woman Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What a Woman Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What a Woman Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What a Woman Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

[E7]

MID LIFE CRISIS!

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR ALL THESE YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "Darling, 40 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 68-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Hmmm.............

Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with seven men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around with no clothes on. A strange kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. Dorothy arrived alone in the strange land, killed the first person she met, and teamed up with 3 strangers to kill again….

[rogruth]

I guess we just can't trust some women.

[J. S. Bach]

And Batman????

[E7]

A NEW ENGLAND LOVE STORY

George and Aggie lived in the cove just past Lewiston Tickle up on the Peninsula.

It was early winter and the bottom of the cove had frozen over.

George asked Aggie if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store
and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab, ‘ole man Stacey
won't mind."

So Aggie walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back
home across the cove.

When she got home and gave George his smokes and his beer, she asked him, "George, you
always tells me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some
money?"

George replied, "Well, Aggie, girl, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't
sure how thick the ice was yet!

Kind of brings a tear to ‘yer eye, don’t it!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

An elderly Italian gardener lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son explaining his predicament.

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad this year because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know that you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, the FBI agents and the local police arrived and dug up the whole garden area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. A day later, the old man got another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now. That was the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie

[E7]

SENIOR MOMENT MOTEL

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said; "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Rich

[rogruth]

Rich,

OUCH

[E7]

VOTING IN CHICAGO:

My father was a staunch conservative and voted straight ticket Republican until the day he died.

Now, he votes Democrat.

Rich

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Subtle, E7.

[rogruth]

Subtle, E7.

Yes.