rogruth wrote:Rufus,
Even with all of your clowning around,I think I would recognize you if we ever met.
[I'm not going to say how but you know.]
The size 32EEEEEE shoes?
Never question a Drunk!
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Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 41982
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
The size 32EEEEEE shoes?
As the literacy rate declines, you’ll ask yourself why the quality of life continues to deteriorate in ways large and small, and in almost every instance the answer will be: because people stopped reading.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
PARAPROSDOKIANS...
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
The Kansas 3 Kick Rule
A Big time New York City trail lawyer went out to Kansas to hunt ducks.
One came flying overhead and the lawyer leveled off and blasted the duck out of the sky in a single shot.
The forward momentum of the duck caused it to fall into the next field behind a rail fence.
The lawyer had begun to climb over the fence to retrieve his game when an old farmer came driving up on his tractor.
The farmer said "Just where do you think you're going?"
The lawyer said "I shot a duck and it fell in that field and I'm going to retrieve it!"
Sensing a tone of arrogance in the lawyer's voice, the farmer said "That field is my property, and you'll do nothing of the sort!"
The lawyer, figuring the farmer for nothing more than a redneck hick, said: I'll have you know I'm one of the foremost trial lawyers in the state of New york, and I'll sue you for everything you own!"
The farmer said "Now hold on just a minute there! This is Kansas, not New York and we settle disputes differently. We use the Kansas 3 kick rule!
The lawyer says "I never heard of that, how's it work?"
The farmer says it's simple! We alternate kicking each other 3 times and whoever gives up first is the loser! If I win you go home without the duck, and if you win, you get to keep it!
The lawyer looks the farmer over and sees he can't weigh more than about 110 pounds and figures he can take him easy. He looks at the farmer with a grin and says OK, I'm in.
The farmer says "The ducks on my land so I get to go first!"
The lawyer thinks to himself, 'I can take this guy no matter what!'
The farmer hops down off the tractor and before the lawyer realizes what is going on, kicks him right in the crotch with his size 10 hobnail boot!
The lawyer is writhing on the ground in pain and the farmer walks over and kicks the lawyer in the kidneys.
The lawyer screams out in pain and thinks about giving up, but then realizes the old boy only has one more kick left, so he sucks it up.
The farmer then commences to kick the lawyer in the head!
The lawyer sees stars and nearly passes out, but using all his resolve and knowing it is now his turn he fends of unconsciousness.
The lawyer grabs the fence post and drags himself to his feet. He shakes off the cobwebs and says to the farmer "OK, now it's MY turn!"
The farmer says "I give up, you can keep the duck!"
Rich
A Big time New York City trail lawyer went out to Kansas to hunt ducks.
One came flying overhead and the lawyer leveled off and blasted the duck out of the sky in a single shot.
The forward momentum of the duck caused it to fall into the next field behind a rail fence.
The lawyer had begun to climb over the fence to retrieve his game when an old farmer came driving up on his tractor.
The farmer said "Just where do you think you're going?"
The lawyer said "I shot a duck and it fell in that field and I'm going to retrieve it!"
Sensing a tone of arrogance in the lawyer's voice, the farmer said "That field is my property, and you'll do nothing of the sort!"
The lawyer, figuring the farmer for nothing more than a redneck hick, said: I'll have you know I'm one of the foremost trial lawyers in the state of New york, and I'll sue you for everything you own!"
The farmer said "Now hold on just a minute there! This is Kansas, not New York and we settle disputes differently. We use the Kansas 3 kick rule!
The lawyer says "I never heard of that, how's it work?"
The farmer says it's simple! We alternate kicking each other 3 times and whoever gives up first is the loser! If I win you go home without the duck, and if you win, you get to keep it!
The lawyer looks the farmer over and sees he can't weigh more than about 110 pounds and figures he can take him easy. He looks at the farmer with a grin and says OK, I'm in.
The farmer says "The ducks on my land so I get to go first!"
The lawyer thinks to himself, 'I can take this guy no matter what!'
The farmer hops down off the tractor and before the lawyer realizes what is going on, kicks him right in the crotch with his size 10 hobnail boot!
The lawyer is writhing on the ground in pain and the farmer walks over and kicks the lawyer in the kidneys.
The lawyer screams out in pain and thinks about giving up, but then realizes the old boy only has one more kick left, so he sucks it up.
The farmer then commences to kick the lawyer in the head!
The lawyer sees stars and nearly passes out, but using all his resolve and knowing it is now his turn he fends of unconsciousness.
The lawyer grabs the fence post and drags himself to his feet. He shakes off the cobwebs and says to the farmer "OK, now it's MY turn!"
The farmer says "I give up, you can keep the duck!"
Rich
Re: Never question a Drunk!
If you agree with the Progressives, it's freedom of speech. If you disagree, it's hate speech. There are no alternatives.
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Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 41982
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
A foursome of men is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those ****** lessons I took over the
winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those ****** lessons I took over the
winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
As the literacy rate declines, you’ll ask yourself why the quality of life continues to deteriorate in ways large and small, and in almost every instance the answer will be: because people stopped reading.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
God & The Drunkard
God Loves Drunk People Too!
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I did NOT, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those
two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.
Rich
God Loves Drunk People Too!
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I did NOT, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those
two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.
Rich
Re: Never question a Drunk!
For Rufus:
If you are from West Virginia and get a divorce, are you still brother and sister?
Rich
If you are from West Virginia and get a divorce, are you still brother and sister?
Rich
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ANG retired
- Posts: 1977
- Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 10:41 am
- Location: Garage of Doom
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Yes. Unless your dad married your aunt, by way of your grandmother, by way of your sister's cousin's uncle.
Meaning an Arkansas marriage makes you your own grandpa...
Meaning an Arkansas marriage makes you your own grandpa...
Bob
Rufus T. Firefly wrote:Simplify.....be where everyone else is not.
-
Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 41982
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
As the literacy rate declines, you’ll ask yourself why the quality of life continues to deteriorate in ways large and small, and in almost every instance the answer will be: because people stopped reading.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Thanks Rufus.Hadn't heard that in many years. 
roger
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
-
ANG retired
- Posts: 1977
- Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 10:41 am
- Location: Garage of Doom
Re: Never question a Drunk!
How do you break an West Virginian's finger?
Punch him in the nose!
Punch him in the nose!
Bob
Rufus T. Firefly wrote:Simplify.....be where everyone else is not.
-
ANG retired
- Posts: 1977
- Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 10:41 am
- Location: Garage of Doom
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."
...
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."
...
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
Bob
Rufus T. Firefly wrote:Simplify.....be where everyone else is not.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Sounds like a lot of shit to me.
roger
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
-
ANG retired
- Posts: 1977
- Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 10:41 am
- Location: Garage of Doom
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Suspicious wife takes care of business
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to
the bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
goes berserk and reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting
the blanket as hard as she can. She then goes to the kitchen to
have a drink and cry.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let
them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello? "
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to
the bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
goes berserk and reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting
the blanket as hard as she can. She then goes to the kitchen to
have a drink and cry.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let
them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello? "
Bob
Rufus T. Firefly wrote:Simplify.....be where everyone else is not.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
How do you circumisize a West Virginian?
Kick his sister in the chin.
Kick his sister in the chin.
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