Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder.....

"I guess it's for you to hang your pants on."

[cpsteamer]

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of feces by the clean end. "

[E7]

THE GOLFER

He left home around 8:30 AM to play a round of golf with his friends. On his way out the door, he answered his wife's "What time will you be home?" question with, "Probably around 1:30 PM. I'll have lunch at the club."

1:30 PM came and went, 3 PM passed, 6:15 PM.....he still was not home. Finally at about 7 PM he rolled into the driveway, left his clubs in the garage, presented his wife with a pizza, and began an apologetic story.

"We finished our game about 11:30 AM," he said, "and had lunch. I started home when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl by her car that had a flat tire. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered me money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there was a tavern just up the road and it had a restroom where I could clean up a bit. I agreed to stop. We had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, but she was very friendly and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."

His wife looked him right in the eye and said, "Don't BS me! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"

Rich

[Friscosteam]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune, as soon as his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune...

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother!!!

[Friscosteam]

ferrari.jpg (67.79 KiB) Viewed 5263 times

[Friscosteam]

A touching story...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess said "NO!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fu%$ed skinny big boobed broads and hunted, and raced cars, and went to strip joints and dated loose women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate the kitty cats and cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fukin' cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up ..... The end.

[ANG retired]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached
Recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he
Started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your
Fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none
Of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine
Down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while.
Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net
And I take 'em home."
"What a line of hog wash....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man.
I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't
As dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never
Hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Hmmm............

I know some of these are good, but we're beginning ot recycle some..........

[E7]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland:

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish!

Rich

[The Dirt]

Hmmm............

I know some of these are good, but we're beginning to recycle some..........

Hey, settle down.
If you expect someone adding a joke to scroll back through the entire thread to make sure it hasn't been seen here once before, you're going to discourage folks from posting...

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Hmmm............

I know some of these are good, but we're beginning to recycle some..........

Hey, settle down.
If you expect someone adding a joke to scroll back through the entire thread to make sure it hasn't been seen here once before, you're going to discourage folks from posting...

I'm as settled as creamed corn,

[E7]

The polite way to call someone a bas****

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, howabout playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And,if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...

Rich

[cpsteamer]

Irish Viagra


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again

[Rufus T. Firefly]

There was a bus going to Cleveland and there was a nun in it. The bus stopped to pick up a guy, and he was a hippy. The hippy sat next to the nun and said, "Hey baby, want to have sex with me?" The nun slapped him across the face.

Well as the hippy got off at his bus stop, the bus driver said, "Hey, I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there. If you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you."

The hippy said thanks and got off the bus, then got dressed up like God with the robes and cream and powder and hid behind a grave in the graveyard. Well just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six thirty. The Hippy popped out from behind the grave and said, "I am God!"

The nun said, "Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?"

The hippy said, "You must have sex with me."

So she did. Then the hippy jumped up and said, "Ha ha, I am the hippy!"

And the nun jumped up and said, "Ha ha, I am the bus driver!"