Never question a Drunk!

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Wonderful , duly saved.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Wonderful , duly saved.

From the mouth of babes,

[rogruth]

I think I knew that kid many years ago. Didn't get mad. Got even.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A blonde goes into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She asks the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk responds, "What denomination?"

The blonde answers, "Lord help us all! Has it come to this now? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 6 Baptists."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

[up148]

A blonde goes into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She asks the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk responds, "What denomination?"

The blonde answers, "Lord help us all! Has it come to this now? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 6 Baptists."

Good one!!!!!!!!!

[HONDO74]

John and Mary celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary so they went back to their old school where they met and were sweethearts. The door was unlocked so they went and sat at their old desks thinking of fond memories. On the way home they saw a bag of money fall off an armored truck. Mary picked it up and brought it home opened it and found $50,000. John said "We have to return it. " Finders keepers" replied Mary.

The next day 2 police officers canvassing the neighborhood ring their doorbell seeing if anyone knows about the money. Mary says she doesn't know anything. "She's lying, it's in the attic."
said John. "Ignore him, he's senile." answers Mary. The police turn to John and ask him to tell his story from the start. John says "Well we were walking home from school..." when one officer looks at his partner and says "We're outta here!"

[Rufus T. Firefly]

John and Mary celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary so they went back to their old school where they met and were sweethearts. The door was unlocked so they went and sat at their old desks thinking of fond memories. On the way home they saw a bag of money fall off an armored truck. Mary picked it up and brought it home opened it and found $50,000. John said "We have to return it. " Finders keepers" replied Mary.

The next day 2 police officers canvassing the neighborhood ring their doorbell seeing if anyone knows about the money. Mary says she doesn't know anything. "She's lying, it's in the attic."
said John. "Ignore him, he's senile." answers Mary. The police turn to John and ask him to tell his story from the start. John says "Well we were walking home from school..." when one officer looks at his partner and says "We're outta here!"

Cute.

[HONDO74]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was
terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children,
no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one
of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?

He answered:"Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right
words...and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

[up148]

One day, Bob's friend Larry didn't show up at the park like he usually did. Bob didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something. After Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day Bob went to the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry. Bob was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so. "For crying out loud Larry he said, "what in the world happened to you?”

Larry replied, "I have been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Bob, “what in the world for?”

“Well," Larry said, “you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?” “Yeah,” said Bob, "I remember her. What about her?”

"Well, one day she filed sexual harrassment charges against me. At 89 years old, I was so proud that when I went to court, I pleaded guilty.”

"The old judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

BH

[Rufus T. Firefly]

My plan.

Step 1: Buy 15 identical cats

Step 2: Invite someone over

Step 3: Wait for them ask how many cats I have

Step 4: Reply, "Just 1, but he's really very, very fast.

[rex desilets]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was
terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children,
no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one
of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?

He answered:"Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right
words...and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

Damn! I wish that weren't true

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was
terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children,
no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one
of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?

He answered:"Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right
words...and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.

Damn! I wish that weren't true

Could be worse than lawyers; could be shamen and preacher's and then you know you're doomed

[Tom Dempsey]

Charlatans either way.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Charlatans either way.

Indeed; Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.