Never question a Drunk!

[E7]

If you have a decent joke post if here. Take your POLITICS and put 'em where the sun don't shine. You already have a zillion effin' threads on politics, post your crap in one of them.

[J. S. Bach]

If you have a decent joke post if here. Take your POLITICS and put 'em where the sun don't shine. You already have a zillion effin' threads on politics, post your crap in one of them.

You beat me to it. TOO MANY THREADS HAVE ALREADY BEEN RUINED BY POLITICAL CARP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

BY POLITICAL CARP!

Is that like a speckled carp?

[HONDO74]

This is probably...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

[E7]

This is probably...

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

Gravity does indeed have a terrible effect in certain cases.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

This is probably...

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up

Gravity does indeed have a terrible effect in certain cases.

This is why physicists study gravity with hopes of controlling it.

[rogruth]

There are some other body parts that could also use some help.

[J. S. Bach]

There are some other body parts that could also use some help.

Yes, my shaky hands!

[HONDO74]

Drafting Guys Over 70.




I am over 70 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.




Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.




For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.




Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.




An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.




If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.




Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.




They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.




Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.




An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.




These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.




Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.




HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Bob is 90 years old retired Navy Chief.
He's played golf every day at Qualicum Beach Memorial since his retirement from the Navy 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion:
"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Bob...
"Your brother is a hundred and three and he's a retired Marine. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Bob heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law...
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight
"Where did it go?" asks Bob.
Brother-in-law replies...
"Can't remember."

[rogruth]

My problem is just the opposite.

[J. S. Bach]

My problem is just the opposite.

[HONDO74]

A politician finally breaks down and visits a remote northern state Indian reservation. With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the senator asks the chief if there was anything the people need.

"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

The senator whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up.

"I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"

"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, the senator dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up.

"The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"

"We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Tee-hee.....

[HONDO74]

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father – Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blond, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father - Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?” “Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”