Never question a Drunk!

Play nice and have fun...
E7
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Never question a Drunk!

Postby E7 » Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:31 pm

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the purchases were being rung-up, the drunk calmly stated 'You must be single'.

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said... 'Yes you are correct: But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.

Rich :mrgreen:

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Daisy
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby Daisy » Fri Jul 09, 2010 3:38 pm

And you thought my Arkansas incest joke was bad!

Rufus T. Firefly
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby Rufus T. Firefly » Fri Jul 09, 2010 6:48 pm

A Duck walks into a bar
He asks the bartender, “Got any bread?”
The Bartender says, “No”.
Duck, “Got any bread?”
Bartender, “No”.
“Got any bread?”
“No”.
“Got any bread?”
“No”.
“Got any bread?”
“No”.
“Got any bread?”
“No”.
“Got any bread?”
“No”.
“Got any bread?”
“No”.
“Got any bread?”
“No! I haven’t got any fuckin’ bread!”
“Got any bread?”
“If you ask that again I’m gonna nail your fuckin’ beak to the fuckin’ bar!!”



“Got any nails?”
“No.”




“Got any bread?”
Conservatism: The intense fear that somewhere, somehow, someone you think is inferior is being treated as your equal.

E7
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Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:35 am

Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby E7 » Sat Jul 10, 2010 8:27 am

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some as*hole using my stuff..."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another as*hole?"

Rich :mrgreen:

dougdagrump
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby dougdagrump » Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:12 am

How Fights Start.......


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift....
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
================
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

================
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

================
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.....
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
================
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
Well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

================

SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Rufus T. Firefly
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby Rufus T. Firefly » Mon Jul 12, 2010 8:06 pm

A Brunette was walking along some train tracks, repeatedly chanting “42, 42, 42, 42, 42, 42….”

A Blonde sees here and asks if she can join in.

The brunette says yes and they continue along the tracks still chanting “42, 42, 42, 42, 42, 42….”

After a few minutes, the brunette hears a train coming and steps off the tracks.

The blonde continues chanting “42, 42, 42, 42, 42, 42….” And the train runs right through her.

The brunette then continues along the line chanting “43, 43, 43, 43, 43…..”
Conservatism: The intense fear that somewhere, somehow, someone you think is inferior is being treated as your equal.

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sarge
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby sarge » Tue Jul 13, 2010 4:36 am

The scene: a little white church in Vermont.

Sunday morning services. Suddenly, a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning.
The smoke clears and there stands the Devil.

Everyone panics and clears the building, all except Pa whose seated in the fourth pew (center) staring forward with his arms folded.

The Devil asks, "Do you know who I am?"
Pa says,




"A-ya"
The Devil says, "Aren't you gonna run?"
Pa says,








"nope"
The Devil says, "Aren't you scared of me?"
Pa says,









"Why the hell should I be? Been married to yeh sister forty-two years."
No-one ever forgets where they buried the hatchet.

E7
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Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:35 am

Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby E7 » Fri Jul 16, 2010 7:26 pm

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

Mike replies:

"Listen, a doctor will charge all kinds of money! There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just take a urine sample along and the computer will analyze it, and give you a printout of what's wrong and what to do about it. It only takes about a minute and costs just ten dollars . . . waaaaaay cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars in a slot on the machine, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel on top of the machine and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and finally, he jerks off into the whole mess, just for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the machine with his
concoction. He deposits ten dollars, pours in the whole mess, and awaits the results.

After a few minutes the computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has worms. Take him to the vet!

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit! Get her into rehab!

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Better get a lawyer!

5. If you don't stop jerkin' off, your tennis elbow will never get
better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Rich :mrgreen:

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rogruth
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby rogruth » Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:10 pm

If you have sex with a prostitute and don't pay her,would that be rape or shoplifting?
roger

I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH

E7
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Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:35 am

Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby E7 » Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:03 pm

rogruth wrote:If you have sex with a prostitute and don't pay her,would that be rape or shoplifting?


Breach of contract.

Rich :mrgreen:

Rufus T. Firefly
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby Rufus T. Firefly » Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:29 pm

While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge”
Conservatism: The intense fear that somewhere, somehow, someone you think is inferior is being treated as your equal.

Rufus T. Firefly
Posts: 41330
Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 6:52 am
Location: Departed from this forum

Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby Rufus T. Firefly » Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:04 pm

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is blind.

The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?”

The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.”

“Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one.”

“That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man.

“Correct,” answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

“I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?”

The secretary turns around and puts her arse in his face.

The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the bathroom door off a tuna boat!”
Conservatism: The intense fear that somewhere, somehow, someone you think is inferior is being treated as your equal.

dougdagrump
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Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 3:25 am
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby dougdagrump » Tue Aug 31, 2010 8:02 pm

When did Lionel start making sex toys ?
Copied from an E-Bay listing.

Lionel 28272 I Love USA SD-60 Diesel Locomotive

Transformer Controlled Forward, Neutral, and Reverse Operation

Dual Powerfuk Maintenance Free Motors

:mrgreen:

kerr

Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby kerr » Wed Sep 01, 2010 7:23 am

dougdagrump wrote:When did Lionel start making sex toys ?
Copied from an E-Bay listing.

Lionel 28272 I Love USA SD-60 Diesel Locomotive

Transformer Controlled Forward, Neutral, and Reverse Operation

Dual Powerfuk Maintenance Free Motors

:mrgreen:



Wow! All that and maintenance free, too!

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sarge
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Re: Never question a Drunk!

Postby sarge » Wed Sep 01, 2010 7:51 am

"Pullmors", no doubt?
No-one ever forgets where they buried the hatchet.


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