Never question a Drunk!

[HONDO74]

A guy is watching football when his wife says the light has been flickering in the hall for a week. He is angry that she interrupted the game and says. "Do I look like I have electrician on my forehead?"

She also says the front door steps are broken and he replies, "Do I look like have carpenter on my forehead?"

He has enough so he goes to the pub and after a few pints he feels bad about his answers and goes home to say he is sorry.

When he gets there the light works and the steps are fixed. He asks how it got done. The wife answers, " A young man came by and saw me crying after you left and offered to help. He did the repairs and when I offered to pay he said, 'You can bake me a cake or you can go to bed with me'."

"What kind of cake did you bake?" the husband asks.

She replies, "Do I look like I have Sara Lee on my forehead?"

[HONDO74]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep. 3 males and 2 females" he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can......2 were on the phone....."

[HONDO74]

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"
05. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
06. Things you buy now won't wear out.
07. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
08. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
09. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
10. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
11. You sing along with elevator music.
12. Your eyes won't get much worse.
13. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
14. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
15. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
16. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
17. You can't remember who sent you this list.
18. Most importantly, never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[MurphOnMillerAve]

...and once this person reached 70:
Vow to self:

Never ever rush anywhere or for anybody. They can all accept when it is that I get there. (So I depart for the destination early and arrive early. )

Oh, and there is another vow I made to myself, and that is to try to constantly keep up with the latest computer-world-generated terms and procedures, which all helps keep the marbles rolling along efficiently, including being patient with nitpicking curmudgeons, esp. when they are correct, and not to share my own grammar/spelling/sentence construction/work choice/ English composition scrutiny with fellow denizens of forums.

P.S. I still try to send handwritten Thank You notes to people, not only using on-line wonders.

da Murph
P.P.S. And children and scenery give me renewed joy, as a recent motor-trip to Pittsburgh through nearly the entire length (or would that, technically, be width ?) of Pennsylvania further verified.

[Roy]

Where is the destinagtion?

[MurphOnMillerAve]

[rogruth]

Murph,
Go up about three posts, just after "Never rush anywhere".

[MurphOnMillerAve]

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Where is the destinagtion?

It's hiding in the nitpicker sack, which is in the closet marked, "Twaddle Collection."

OK, Roy, I'll be watching, Roy, very , very carefully, for the slightest errors in typing and/or word choice/grammar/spelling. And it's nice to know I'll have you right there, nearby, ever at the ready to be gracious.
Game on.

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Murph,
Go up about three posts, just after "Never rush anywhere".

Thank You, Roger.
You certainly know how to be a pleasant contributor on this forum.

Murph, glad I met ya' .

[Roy]

I think I figured out this particular misspelling. I googled "destinagtion", and found many instances of this misspelling. People are confusing destination with designation.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I think I figured out this particular misspelling. I googled "destinagtion", and found many instances of this misspelling. People are confusing destination with designation.

I thought it might be some new variant on a stagnant destination....

[rogruth]

I hope you guys never catch my speling errers ay,er, misteaks.

[MurphOnMillerAve]

I think I figured out this particular misspelling. I googled "destinagtion", and found many instances of this misspelling. People are confusing destination with designation.

I thought it might be some new variant on a stagnant destination....

No, boys, you're both wrong.
My typing ability (now, there's a euphemism) is non-existent, a feeble hunt-n-peck. In all the years of typing in college (can you imagine the tedium) and through teaching school (which included filling out endless administrative papers for the state inspections) and into the recreation of communicating on forums, I have been tip-tapping away with my two index fingers, solely, just as I am at this very moment.

So, regarding spelling, Roy, I do not need any help whatsoever. It's my fingers and, I guess, my eyes that may need prayer. Also, I have heard a legend that when we see a computer screen, our eyes and intellect fix what is not on the page to what we know should be there. Hence, erroneous conglomerations like my "destinagtion" would have been corrected to what I had intended, in my mind, "destination."

Therefore, Roy, whatever your motivation might be in monitoring my every word, and in pointing my errors out here publicly, I can only assume it is kindness and care of me, both gracious actions. I refuse to assume (and we all know what that can turn into) any negative, needy-for-attention, petty, bullying, picayune, condescending motivation from your end.

And, Rufus, I have seen so many misspellings and word-choice errors , of late, in your more-recent postings, that I have assumed you are busy and typing quickly, with all ten digits a-flying, or that you are on a plane going somewhere and barely have the time and steady surface to message-out what you do share. Thus, I have never said a word, and certainly would not do so on an open forum. It is not my place to do so. I believe. that is what private messaging is for.

Now, I have paid you both, as well as myself, the respect of this explanation, for the simple reason it is proper and polite to do so.
Murph
P.S. There are some occasions when I have deliberately coined a word or jumbled one up, and when I do so, I use quotes to point them out. I trust well-meaning and intelligent gentlemen can discern those moments.

As Mitch stated, in effect, when first noting my entrance onto this form, that English teachers were not needed here correcting everybody's writing, he was absolutely right, certainly.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

And, Rufus, I have seen so many misspellings and word-choice errors , of late, in your postings, that I have assumed you are busy and typing quickly, with all ten digits a-flying, or that you are on a plane going somewhere and barely have the time and steady surface to message-out what you do share. Thus, I have never said a word, and certainly would not do so on an open forum. It is not my place to do so. I believe. that is what private messaging is for.

You do know that I was joking and that I rarely am to be taken as being entirely serious? And you do also recognize that when I am being serious, it is also reasonably obvious?

Busy, I am. Spread thinly between 3 and soon to be 4 jobs, I am. Having increasing difficulty typing due to problems with my right arm, I am.

I will go now and trouble you no further, and darken your doorway not.