Never question a Drunk!
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Jewish birth control. Wedding cake
I spend entirely too many hours a day tying my shoes
- rex desilets
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
I'll ask next time.HONDO74 wrote:If women are so good at multi-tasking. How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time.
“Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.” – John Adams
- rex desilets
- Posts: 1786
- Joined: Sun Jul 15, 2007 1:18 pm
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Must add to repertoirerobert. wrote:Jewish birth control. Wedding cake
“Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.” – John Adams
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
rex desilets wrote:I'll ask next time.HONDO74 wrote:If women are so good at multi-tasking. How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time.
Brave man. We'll hoist a drink in your memory.
Conservatism: The intense fear that somewhere, somehow, someone you think is inferior is being treated as your equal.
- rex desilets
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
in re a former funny: I'll have to decide if it will take guts or balls, but I suppose the outcome would be the sameRufus T. Firefly wrote:rex desilets wrote:I'll ask next time.HONDO74 wrote:If women are so good at multi-tasking. How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time.
Brave man. We'll hoist a drink in your memory.
“Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.” – John Adams
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
rex desilets wrote:in re a former funny: I'll have to decide if it will take guts or balls, but I suppose the outcome would be the sameRufus T. Firefly wrote:rex desilets wrote:I'll ask next time.
Brave man. We'll hoist a drink in your memory.
I'm going to file it under foolishness - if you've been married for more than a decade, the answer should be tattooed inside your eyelids.....sort of in the same file as answering, "Does this make me look fat?" Usual safe answer is to excuse yourself and rapidly head into the bathroom with sufficient reading material; a copy of War and Peace is generally adequate for most of these situations.
Conservatism: The intense fear that somewhere, somehow, someone you think is inferior is being treated as your equal.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Dr. Geezer's Clinic. An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
"Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
ENJOY YOUR DAY !!
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
"Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
ENJOY YOUR DAY !!
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
Murph woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
He immediately called his friend Roger and explained the situation
Roger said, "Don't worry, I can handle this for you and I'll be right over."
Roger arrived and had a ladder, a baseball bat, a large metal cage, a 12 gauge shotgun, and an absolutely furious looking pit bull in the back of his truck.
Murph asked, "What are you going to do?".
"I'm going to use the ladder to get up on the roof with the baseball bat, and then I'm going to knock the bear off the roof with the bat. When the bear falls and lands, the pit bull is trained to grab the bear's testicles and not let go. That'll let me put bear into the cage."
Then he handed the shotgun to Murph.
"What am I supposed to do with this?
Roger turned and from the ladder looking back at Murph and explained, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot that dog!"
He immediately called his friend Roger and explained the situation
Roger said, "Don't worry, I can handle this for you and I'll be right over."
Roger arrived and had a ladder, a baseball bat, a large metal cage, a 12 gauge shotgun, and an absolutely furious looking pit bull in the back of his truck.
Murph asked, "What are you going to do?".
"I'm going to use the ladder to get up on the roof with the baseball bat, and then I'm going to knock the bear off the roof with the bat. When the bear falls and lands, the pit bull is trained to grab the bear's testicles and not let go. That'll let me put bear into the cage."
Then he handed the shotgun to Murph.
"What am I supposed to do with this?
Roger turned and from the ladder looking back at Murph and explained, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot that dog!"
Conservatism: The intense fear that somewhere, somehow, someone you think is inferior is being treated as your equal.
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
After several drinks a guy at the bar bets the bartender $50 he can bite his eye. The bartender says "You're on".
The guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. Bartender, shaking his head, gives him the $50.
A couple drinks later the guy bets the bartender double his money back he can bit his other eye. The bartender knows this guy is not blind so he says "You're on".
The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender is furious but gives the guy $100.
After more drinks the guy bets the bartender again saying "I bet you double or nothing I can pee in my glass and not overfill it". The bartender knows this guys has been drinking a lot and there's no way he can do this. "Bets on" says the barkeep.
The guy gets up on his stool and pees into the glass, and all over the bar. The bartender laughs and grabs his money.
The guy sits back down with a big smile on his face. The bartender says "Why are you smiling, you just lost the bet".
The guy says, "Yeah, but I bet the guy at the end of the bar $500 I could pee all over your bar and you'd laugh about it"!!!
The guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. Bartender, shaking his head, gives him the $50.
A couple drinks later the guy bets the bartender double his money back he can bit his other eye. The bartender knows this guy is not blind so he says "You're on".
The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender is furious but gives the guy $100.
After more drinks the guy bets the bartender again saying "I bet you double or nothing I can pee in my glass and not overfill it". The bartender knows this guys has been drinking a lot and there's no way he can do this. "Bets on" says the barkeep.
The guy gets up on his stool and pees into the glass, and all over the bar. The bartender laughs and grabs his money.
The guy sits back down with a big smile on his face. The bartender says "Why are you smiling, you just lost the bet".
The guy says, "Yeah, but I bet the guy at the end of the bar $500 I could pee all over your bar and you'd laugh about it"!!!
BobD aka Drifty
The Crow Flies At Midnight
The Crow Flies At Midnight
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
Here's a good one David Brenner told one night, I think on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson:
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
BobD aka Drifty
The Crow Flies At Midnight
The Crow Flies At Midnight
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Men Are Just Happier People.
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
� If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
� Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
� If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
� Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Hondo,
I have been married to the same woman for 62 + years. I kid you not.
What you have posted is true and does not change.
I would add one thing. Whatever you forget she does not.
I have been married to the same woman for 62 + years. I kid you not.
What you have posted is true and does not change.
I would add one thing. Whatever you forget she does not.
roger
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
- MurphOnMillerAve
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
rogruth wrote:Hondo,
...What you have posted is true and does not change.
I would add one thing. Whatever you forget she does not.
That's what helps keep me an honest hubby. There'd be no hope otherwise.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
How I Learned to Mind My Own Business
I was walking past the Mental Hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside and shouting 13 13 13.
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in one of the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, and they all started shouting 14 14 14.
I was walking past the Mental Hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside and shouting 13 13 13.
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in one of the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, and they all started shouting 14 14 14.
----Wayne----
Back when I was growing up, if you didn't start someth'n, there wouldn't be noth'n.
--Merle Haggard
Back when I was growing up, if you didn't start someth'n, there wouldn't be noth'n.
--Merle Haggard
- MurphOnMillerAve
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Re: Never question a Drunk!
Butterbeer flavored ice cream has made its debut. Thank Yuengling.
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