Never question a Drunk!
Re: Never question a Drunk!
OMG
roger
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
-
Friscosteam
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%
But ,
A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B -U -L -L -$ -#-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a$$ kissing
will take you.
A-$ -$ -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the BullS#it and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%
But ,
A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B -U -L -L -$ -#-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a$$ kissing
will take you.
A-$ -$ -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the BullS#it and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in
every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
Re: Never question a Drunk!
This is an old and a true classic. . .
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;
But Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants," she answered..."is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lie before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly.
Rich
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;
But Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants," she answered..."is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lie before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly.
Rich
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Rich,
Have you met my wife?
Have you met my wife?
roger
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
I support thread drift.
If God didn't want women to be looked at, He would have made 'em ugly. RAH
Re: Never question a Drunk!
rogruth wrote:Rich,
Have you met my wife?
Roger,
I don't think so, but I think I know where you are coming from!
Rich
Re: Never question a Drunk!
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: Dammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! "
Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
Hey, ****, " says the man, "get me a dry Martini. And don't drag your sorry *** - I want it right now! "
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the air plane at 20, 000 feet.
As the two tumble out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: Dammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! "
Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
Hey, ****, " says the man, "get me a dry Martini. And don't drag your sorry *** - I want it right now! "
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the air plane at 20, 000 feet.
As the two tumble out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
North of the 49th
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Adult Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5 I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoy life
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5 I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoy life
Re: Never question a Drunk!
THE SCOTTISH CADDIE:
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of sh*t on the end of yer driver. "
The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:
"Nay, t'other end."
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of sh*t on the end of yer driver. "
The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:
"Nay, t'other end."
Re: Never question a Drunk!
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over.. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
North of the 49th
Re: Never question a Drunk!
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
North of the 49th
Re: Never question a Drunk!
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
˜What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
˜What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7
North of the 49th
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini-van with two flat tires..
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini-van with two flat tires..
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Alaskan Tale (where life is tough and humor is dark)
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.." We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
" Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, " We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, " Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, " I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
" Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, " When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, " If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, " We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.." We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
" Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, " We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, " Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, " I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
" Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, " When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, " If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, " We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
North of the 49th
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