Never question a Drunk!

[E7]

ROTTEN WEATHER

I just got off the phone with a friend in northern North Dakota near the border. He was calling me from his home. He said that since this morning the snow has been falling and is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare. He says if it gets worse, he may have to let her in.

Rich

[E7]

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!!!!!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes
riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

Rich

[The Dirt]

x2!!

[Friscosteam]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Potomac River...

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near Capitol Hill .'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus, BMW or Mercedes and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase.

[ANG retired]

Sign me up!!!

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Nanaimo British Columbia and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

[cpsteamer]

Best note requesting time off for sickness:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fx7aoEBtPXA

[rogruth]

That's why I didn't do that kind of work.I would have that kind of luck.

[Friscosteam]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[Friscosteam]

Dear God,

My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN.

[Friscosteam]

From my scottish side of the family....

SCOTTISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[cpsteamer]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"


OLD AGE AND TREACHERY
WILL OVERCOME
YOUTH AND SKILL
EVERY TIME!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A moldy-oldy classic that still brings forth a chuckle, grin, and occasional guffaw,

[kerr]

I don't get that last one at all.

[cpsteamer]

I don't get that last one at all.

Mike
Instead of trying to wow the girl with their supposed knowledge like the yuppie son and father, the Grandfather called her shot a gimme putt which in essence meant she didn't have to putt the ball.

Gimme:
"A putt that is sure to go in the hole on the subsequent shot."

ken (who has never hit a golf ball in his lifetime but has shot many)

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two old men sitting on a park bench were passing the day away talking.
One old man asked the other "How is your wife?"
Second old man replied "I think she is Dead!"
First old man; "What do you mean you THINK she is dead???"
Second old man; "Well.... the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."