Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”

“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. “Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”

[Rufus T. Firefly]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside,
got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.

He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, which caused my death."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in
line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment
when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?" he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[HONDO74]

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the ******.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fu$k himself and he did.

Day 16
The ****** has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[E7]

Beautiful young New York woman!

A beautiful, young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But, just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later, she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food, and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes", I remember it well." she replies.

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea."

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!". He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that f*cking fence wasn't electrified!"

[rogruth]

Lead me to that fence.Please.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Lead me to that fence.Please.

By yourself?

[rogruth]

I hope not.But if my wife won't go with me,why not?I might get a rise out of it.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I hope not.But if my wife won't go with me,why not?I might get a rise out of it.

This too can be arranged,

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arndt, would you please name the organ of the human body, which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Arndt gasped, then said freezingly: "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Burke and asked the same question. Miss Burke, with composure, replied: "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Arndt, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[dougdagrump]

[E7]

A Christmas Letter

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected
$96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:


Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those b*stards at the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller?"

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

[HONDO74]

We don't like existentialists around here. And we certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black polo-necks filling everyone's heads with their theories about the bleakness of existence and the absurdity of the cosmos!

Jean-Paul Sartre's "No Exit" ("Huis Clos" in French)

[Rufus T. Firefly]

We don't like existentialists around here. And we certainly don't like French philosophers poncing around in their black polo-necks filling everyone's heads with their theories about the bleakness of existence and the absurdity of the cosmos!

"Red Dwarf" Meltdown (1991)