Never question a Drunk!
- Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 41570
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
Your body is not a temple. It’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD FARTS:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot. '
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? ' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. ' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold meup against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, agallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that? '
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot. '
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? ' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. ' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold meup against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, agallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that? '
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
North of the 49th
Re: Never question a Drunk!
You KNEW this was coming!
There once was a legislator named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner!
Rich
There once was a legislator named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner!
Rich
- Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 41570
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Entering Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic
examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One
room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each
applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not
a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in
bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well,
her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look
for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment
and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was
so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He
let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and
bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength
to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to
me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was
on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed
to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some
idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a
flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived,
but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried
to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the
chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the
next room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day
enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as
interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked
hiding in this cedar chest..."
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic
examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One
room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each
applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not
a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in
bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well,
her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look
for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment
and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was
so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He
let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and
bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength
to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to
me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was
on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed
to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some
idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a
flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived,
but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried
to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the
chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the
next room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day
enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as
interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked
hiding in this cedar chest..."
- Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 41570
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
While flying over the Atlantic Ocean, American Airlines flight 237 blows an engine and begins to lose altitude. The captain, knowing the plain is too heavy, tells the passengers that anything not of consequence, or breathing, was to be thrown off the plane.
It's stripped bare, to the point where even pillows are gone. However, it is still not enough, and the plain will not make the landing in Spain that they need. The captain turns on the PA system, and say's "Folks, I've terrible news. We still are too heavy. I know it's a great deal to ask, but several people must jump off the plane if the rest of us are to survive. I ask that all volunteers come forward."
Three men step forward; a Brit, a Frenchman, and a Texan.
Stepping up to the door, the English man gathers his courage, shouts "God save the Queen!" and leaps.
The Frenchman steps up and yells "Viva la France!" and jumps.
Finally, the Texan steps up. He yells "Remember the Alamo!" and throws out two Mexicans.
It's stripped bare, to the point where even pillows are gone. However, it is still not enough, and the plain will not make the landing in Spain that they need. The captain turns on the PA system, and say's "Folks, I've terrible news. We still are too heavy. I know it's a great deal to ask, but several people must jump off the plane if the rest of us are to survive. I ask that all volunteers come forward."
Three men step forward; a Brit, a Frenchman, and a Texan.
Stepping up to the door, the English man gathers his courage, shouts "God save the Queen!" and leaps.
The Frenchman steps up and yells "Viva la France!" and jumps.
Finally, the Texan steps up. He yells "Remember the Alamo!" and throws out two Mexicans.
Your body is not a temple. It’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Bad news! No matter how many people are tossed/jump, a plain ain't gonna fly. Except maybe in a tornado/cyclone!
Rich
Rich
-
- Posts: 5820
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 9:30 pm
Re: Never question a Drunk!
E7 wrote:Bad news! No matter how many people are tossed/jump, a plain ain't gonna fly. Except maybe in a tornado/cyclone!
Rich
But it may rain there.

Re: Never question a Drunk!
J. S. Bach wrote:But it may rain there.
Mainly in Spain.

Rich
Re: Never question a Drunk!
So...ya gonna make him go back and edit for a minor spelling infraction? Only I'm allowed to do that; and only to Murph so I can pull his chain. 

If you agree with the Progressives, it's freedom of speech. If you disagree, it's hate speech. There are no alternatives.
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Mitch wrote:So...ya gonna make him go back and edit for a minor spelling infraction? Only I'm allowed to do that; and only to Murph so I can pull his chain.
Mitch,
Sorry, but I couldn't resist!



Rich
- MurphOnMillerAve
- Posts: 18489
- Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:18 pm
- Location: Kennywood Park
- Contact:
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Mitch wrote:So...ya gonna make him go back and edit for a minor spelling infraction? Only I'm allowed to do that; and only to Murph so I can pull his chain.
Mitch is right. He's the official spell-checkin'




(I believe I have received the Hell-of-a-windy-Fellow award, certainly evidenced above, bestowed previously by ...(?)....

P.S. I saw Rufy's word-choice stumble but kept my yapper shut. (Are ya' proud of me?)

"Doing wrong is like a joke to a fool." Proverbs 10: 21-28
Re: Never question a Drunk!
Actually, the idea of flying a plain is fairly intriguing.......if it is in the rain, in Spain.
Rich
Rich
- Rufus T. Firefly
- Posts: 41570
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 7:52 am
- Location: To be Determined
Re: Never question a Drunk!
It was a copy & paste error from an archival file collection as opposed to a typing/spelling error on my part......and was obviously not caught by any of the spell checking programs residing on my computers; not my own typing. So, I'll accept it as my fault either way.
Yup!

P.S. I saw Rufy's word-choice stumble but kept my yapper shut. (Are ya' proud of me?)
Yup!
Your body is not a temple. It’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.
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