Never question a Drunk!

[MurphOnMillerAve]

Sayzyou!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Sayzyou!

And, in preparation to an upcoming trip to France, I'm packing all black and a beret, and plan to camp out at various street cafes, drink absinthe, quote Sartre, and be totally nihilistic,

[MurphOnMillerAve]

I wish I were there to film you (furtively, o' course.)

[Rufus T. Firefly]

I wish I were there to film you (furtively, o' course.)

I'll in the back, in the mad shadows, reading Les Fleurs du mal by Baudelaire, sipping absinthe, and waiting............

[MurphOnMillerAve]

"...in the mad shadows.." now, there we get to the heart of it...

[kerr]

Sayzyou!

And, in preparation to an upcoming trip to France, I'm packing all black and a beret, and plan to camp out at various street cafes, drink absinthe, quote Sartre, and be totally nihilistic,

ah c'est l'amour frere Jacque
or is it more
your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!

[E7]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several
months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that
provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't
believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our
direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating , You've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even
so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the
beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken
island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long
time....So ... do you think we should ...well .... you know .....screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.


Rich

[E7]

8 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'.

2. With a serious face, Whenever you go out to eat, order a Diet Water.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

4. Sing along at the opera.

5. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

6. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
yelling 'Run for your lives, they're loose!'

7. Tell your children over dinner, 'Sorry, but due to the Economy,
we are going to have to let one of you go.'

8. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy and go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.


Rich

[cpsteamer]

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A ship wrecks onto a desert island. A woman and two men survive.

Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually, the girl gets sick and dies.

The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore so they keep having sex.

After a few days of sex, they feel guilty about what they've been doing..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
so they bury her.

[dougdagrump]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville , MS and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied," Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked,
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.












Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison

[dougdagrump]

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:
“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...and I couldn't shut up.”

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

[steammanan]

A man and his wife were watching the discovery channel one night w/ a program about African natives that stretched their penises out to 24 inches by tying a weight on it when young. After the program ended, the woman asked her husband if he would be willing to try it. He said yes. A week later she asked him how it was going and he told her it was half way there. She said"you mean it's 12 inches long?, "no" he said, "but it's turned black".

[E7]

While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica, for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your
hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

Rich