Never question a Drunk!

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon.

As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, “You know, I’ve never come this way before.”

The other says, “It’s the cobblestones.”

[rogruth]

They will do it every time.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A young Italian boy goes to church and enters the Confessional. 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[rogruth]

Hey,I think I knew those girls.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Hey,I think I knew those girls.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks.

Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, you know, just like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house.
We did everything, in every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky ******, was she pretty?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......"Dunno............Never found the head!"

[rogruth]

ARrrrghhhhh

[Rufus T. Firefly]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[ANG retired]

How many West Virginians does it take to eat supper?

Three.


One to do the eating, two to watch for traffic...




What do you call a pretty girl in Beckley?


Tourist...


What do you call a 16 year old virgin girl in West Virginia?

Faster than her brothers...




Why are West Virginia girls not allowed to swim in the states waters?

They can't get the smell out of the fish...

[healey36]

Why, in West Virginia, do they only teach driver's education on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?


Because they need the car for sex education on Tuesday and Thursday...

[dougdagrump]

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.




The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[AG]

CATHOLIC COFFEE
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter; slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say...








"Oh My God!!....."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an
Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars
were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a
few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car
and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the
engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead
and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched
as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down
the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to
the pub. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized
he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other
people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked
and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar,
one said to the other...

'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it.'

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Michael was in the hospital fighting for his life, almost approaching death, so the family sent for his best friend John.

As John stood beside the bed, Michael’s fragile condition grew worst and became breathless. He motioned frantically for something to write on.

John lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper and Michael used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he breathed his last. John thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

Several days later, after Michael’s death, John visited Michael’s family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he’d worn the day Michael died. “You know”, he said, “Michael handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t read it, but knowing Michael, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all”.

He unfolded the note and read aloud, “Son of a bitch, you’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

[Rufus T. Firefly]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’ s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.