Never question a Drunk!

[E7]

ERIN GO BRAGH!

Irish are the Best!

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.



Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'



Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that d*mn gun....'




A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'


Rich

[cpsteamer]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[rogruth]

OMG but

[E7]

Testicle Disorder


A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "


Rich

[cpsteamer]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS
office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS
finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How
about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can
bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's
jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I
can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes
the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts
to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you
six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and
never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach
the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me
twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and
piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

[cpsteamer]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking



Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.



"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.



"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."



And they did.



"Well done, son!



Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."



And they did.



"Now we eat everybody."



And they did.



When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?



Why did we swim around and around them?



His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[E7]

This one is for Roger

As simple as 1,2,4

Proof that you can't ever underestimate the creativeness of American boys for mischief.

While considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high
school, I don't know how we missed doing this........At a high school
in Montana, a group of students played a prank....they let three
goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.........

Rich

[rogruth]

Rich,

Yes.I believe it.They probably looked out for it for several weeks.

Love it.Good thinking.Those kids would have been in my band.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A Vicar and his friend Colin were playing golf.
Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."
Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"
Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"
Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.
God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Andy wants a job as a signal man on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well, in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalized?"

"Oh, well, then I'd run into the village and get my Uncle Bert."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train wreck."

[E7]

GREAT SHORT STORY




One day....



One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch......


But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Rich

[J. S. Bach]

Adult Truths

...snip...
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
...snip...

11. For me, about 805A (I start at 800A)

12. I am just starting on Laserdiscs; I'll worry about the rest later.

[AG]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and
we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following
simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I
looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila,
a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription,
the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

[cpsteamer]

If north American dentists could just cut out some of the frills could we save money. This may be part of the new health care system.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR8tIjTykbE

[Rufus T. Firefly]

One day at the end of class, little Billy’s teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.” The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Next is little Bobby. “Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.” Teacher asks for the moral of the story. Bobby replies, “Don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched.”

Last is little Billy. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the bottle of whiskey. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, “Don’t f*** with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”