Never question a Drunk!

[dougdagrump]

Subject: Concerning Collective Nouns



The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

For example we are all familiar with a herd of Cows, a flock of Chickens, a school of fish, or a gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not .... a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington.

[E7]

Bass Pro Shop's Blind Cashier:


A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She
doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says: "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says: "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says: "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test
line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says: "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but
then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says: "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks: "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on
sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies: "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear
Repellent is $3.50."

Rich

[E7]

THE PAINT CAN

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them: "We have special
requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed, and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband
obviously was very depressed.

You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the
required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third
week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or
anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts."

"But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over
to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I
had my way with her, right then and there!!!" admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Lowe's anymore, either."

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'Willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control him self, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the man replied.

[rogruth]

I see Rufus is back in fine form.

[cpsteamer]

An old priest lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly,

"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go."

[Rufus T. Firefly]

People are too soft these days.....

The other day I was telling a few "Yo Mama" jokes when suddenly I start getting called a insensitive ******.
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That's the last time I visit an orphanage.

[The Dirt]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway in D.C. Nothing is
moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million
dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline
and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a
collection."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.




The man replies, "About a gallon."

[dougdagrump]

Unclear Instructions



I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

[E7]

Turpentine vs Holy Water


A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine... He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Vicar came along and asked the little boy what he had..

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Vicar said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson. '

Rich

[E7]

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't give him a triple dose.

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctors office...his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up.'

Rich

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Aristotle: “What does it mean to be a good person?”

Descartes: “What does it mean to be?”

Nietzsche: What does it mean?”

Bertrand Russell: “What does ‘it’ mean?”

C.S. Lewis: “What does it?”

Jon: “WTF?”

[E7]

Engineering at it's BEST!

A Short Story for Engineers

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" - he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers - "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over... "every time the bell rang"

Rich

[E7]

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY


A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere
to be found. She was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to
call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we
went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

His wife said crying, "Yes I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it."

Rich

[Tramp]

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.